Have you realized that you need to consciously allow another
person to love you?
If you’re not used to being loved, your default position may be
to push people away. For example, a reader recently wrote:
I got really close to someone, then I did what I always do, I
found the nearest exit and sprinted away to the single life.
Been doing this forever. As soon as the other person really
loves me, I fight, flee or freeze.
In my family, I never
felt good enough and always failed to make my parents proud.
Feeling unloved and trusting very few people, I find it’s easier to stand
alone.
Vulnerability goes against my grain, so when I do fall in love,
I never let it last long. For the life of me, I can’t let someone love me!
How do you stop resisting and
allow someone to love you?
We run from things that scare
us, and love is no different. Why be scared of love? There are several reasons.
Understanding them is the key to ending the relationship sabotage. What follows
are 10 reasons why you might be scared of love and comments to help you
overcome.
The following 10 beliefs may be preventing you from accepting
love.
You may believe that:
1. When someone loves you, they will leave
you.
If you have been left in the past, you may anticipate that
whoever loves you is going to leave. You want to avoid that pain, so you run
from the relationship.
Of course, you shouldn’t blindly trust people who have not
demonstrated commitment, either.
The key here is to move slowly. Share your concerns at the right
time and pay attention for signs of commitment and loyalty. It’s even a good
idea to write down the signs of commitment (or lack thereof) that you observe.
Keep your feet on the ground and keep moving ahead slowly.
2. When someone loves you, they will expect
too much of you.
Usually people will expect love and commitment from you in
return. Your partner will want to be a high priority in your life, which may
require sacrifice on your part. Is it worth it? I don’t know. How badly do you
want a committed relationship?
It’s important to remember that expectations are a healthy part
of a solid relationship. Yet, knowing how much is too much can be tricky. Every relationship is
different. Again, this is a concern to share with your partner and come to an
equitable agreement.
You’ll learn a lot about your partner if you say something like:
I want to meet your needs, but I’m having a hard time knowing
what is fair. I feel like when you want me to do the dishes every night, you
are taking advantage of me. What do you think?
3. When someone loves you, they will know
too much about you.
This anxiety is a major block to intimacy. We want to spare
ourselves the risk of being discovered for the bad person we believe we are.
So, we hide everything. This prevents mutual sharing of the joys and pains of
life.
If you’re feeling unworthy of love because of your past, then
you’ve got to square yourself with your past. Interestingly, stepping fully
into the present is the best way to put the past in its place.
4. When someone loves you, they will
disappoint you.
Yes, they will. Nobody lives up to every expectation. People
make mistakes, get lazy and forget their priorities. You will, too.
Prepare for this one. A great way to deal with disappointment is
to let your partner know where you stand. Do it respectfully. From there, you
can negotiate what happens next. Why would you withhold your disappointment and
not give your partner an opportunity to make good?
5. When someone loves you they will hurt
your feelings.
They will. Let them know. Don’t express your hurt as anger or
resentment. Express your hurt as hurt. Simple. You can say the following:
When you (fill in the blank) it hurt my feelings. Did you mean to do that?
When you (fill in the blank) it hurt my feelings. Did you mean to do that?
Again, you’ll learn a lot about your relationship by the way your partner
responds.
6. When someone loves you, they
will control you.
If you’re used to being controlled, you may attract controlling
people. Recognizing this up front helps to notice any red flags as you enter
new relationships.
If you’re already in a controlling relationship, then you can
look for your part in it. Do you always say yes? Do you act helpless? Do you
procrastinate and invite intervention? How good are you at making independent
decisions when appropriate?
If you are not available to be controlled, then you can’t be
controlled.
7. When someone loves you, they will
deprive you.
People who are supposed to love you, ignore you. They use you or
only pay attention to you when they want something, right? If you’re used to
being deprived, you may let all this slide.
The truth is, people who get their needs met consistently aren’t
just lucky. They express their needs and work to meet others needs, too. How
are you doing in this department?
8. When someone loves you, your family will
reject them.
Of course there is likelihood that one or more of your family
members do not like your partner. Now what? Listen to their side of the story,
that’s what. Then, take it into consideration as you make your choice. Your
choice.
The worst thing you can do is insist on being with someone just
because your family disapproves.
9. When someone loves you, you will lose
your friends.
You’ll have to scale back on time with friends. So, this is a
matter of priorities. I’ve known of people who get into committed relationships
who don’t want to sacrifice time with friends. Usually, their partner comes to
me for coaching, stating that the relationship isn’t working.
It’s a reality, there are only so many days in a week. It may
help to remember that you aren’t necessarily going to lose your friends. You’ll
be spending less time with them, though.
10. When someone loves you, you will lose
yourself.
It’s all about boundaries.
How can you be in a fully committed relationship and not lose yourself? It may
help to know that this is a question for the ages. It’s an issue for all of us.
Getting into the right frame of mind may help clarify the issue.
When you commit to another person, you do not become ONE with that person. That
implies losing yourself. A healthy relationship adds an element to who you are.
It doesn’t detract.
Maybe it’s better to suggest that you become a team. A even
though corporations throughout the world claim that there is no “I” in team,
there absolutely is! You are a person with another person. You work together,
negotiate, respect each other and maintain your individuality as you do these
things.
The Key to All of This
Is not to do anything special to “embrace” the love coming your
way. It’s more helpful to identify why you are resisting. Then, stop resisting.
When you cease to block your partner’s love, it will go right
in.
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